Today I did something I've been dreading since October. I scheduled Bean's next MRI. I've been dreading it because as soon as I schedule it it means its happening and once it happens we have to meet with Dr. Ruge and after our last appointment I am terrified. It means we face the possibility of another surgery. All while we are 8 months pregnant and expecting Baby Bug at any moment. But since I've been dreading all of this I've also avoided thinking about it and also praying about it and asking for prayer for her.
Its not that I don't want prayer for her but the truth is that I'm struggling with this because I've been rethinking the way I pray lately. For as long as I remember when I've prayed for something I've always ended the prayer with " if it is Your will". I've always felt that this important because it acknowledges that sometimes God doesn't answer our prayers the way we want and we have to accept that somethings are just not in His plan for us.
But lately I've felt like this phrase can become a cop-out and can weaken our prayer and faith. I believe that when we pray we should be bold, having complete faith that God CAN do what we are asking of Him. I think sometimes we add "if it is Your will" because we can feel guilty to ask for the things we truly desire or to avoid disappointment if God does not answer our prayers. We feel like if we pray this way and God chooses not to answer our prayer we have protected ourselves from disappointment because we can say that wasn't in His will.
I have to wonder though if maybe sometimes God chooses not to answer our prayer because we lack the faith to boldly ask for what we truly want and believe that God can answer our prayer. Maybe we say "if it is Your will" because we don't truly believe God can answer our prayer and we add this phrase so we can feel better about our lack of faith by saying we prayed for God's will whatever it would be. I wonder what would happen if we starting praying with more boldness, more faith.
Please don't misunderstand me. I truly believe that we need to understand that sometimes God does choose to not answer our prayers the way we wanted. Sometimes what we pray for isn't in God's plan or is born of selfish desires. I think we need to be sensitive to this possibility and pray with the right attitude in our hearts. I think the praying for God's will, God's plan and the strength to handle whatever His plan is should be part of our attitude for pray. However I want to pray with more faith, more boldness.
So I say all of this to ask something of all of you. I ask that you pray for Bean, that God will heal her brain and return it to complete health. Please know that this post is not to tell you how to pray or to open a theological debate about how to pray, although I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic (as long as they are spoken in love). This post is more of a confession, that I need to/ want to pray with more faith and boldness and I am asking you to join me in praying for Bean and our family. Please also pray that Baby Bug will wait to come until we've got Bean's situation figured out so that we're not dealing with 2 extremely stressful situations at once. However you choose to pray for our family will be appreciated but lets do it with boldness!
