Surprise door #4

So today Bean had her appointment with her neurologist to discuss the results of her MRI about a week ago.  As normal I thought through all the possible scenarios so I felt like I could mental prepare for "the worst".
The first and best scenario was that the shunt is working fine, everything looks great and we'll see you next year.
Second best was that the shunt was somehow stopped working but Bean no longer needed it so we could take it out and be done forever.
Third, (and "worst" in my head) was that she had somehow outgrown the shunt or tubing and it would need to be replaced and then be back to yearly visits.

So it turns out the shunt is working correctly and her ventricles, fluid and head size look great. So I thought we were good and done.

And then the Doctor opened surprise door number 4, something I didn't even know was possible.

It turns out that Bean's brain is "outgrowing" her skull.  Everyone has a normal amount of fluid around their brain that cushions their brain during falls etc.  As your heart beats the fluid pulsates around the brain and against the skull.  As it does this is tells your skull to grow in relation to your brain.  In people with hydrocephalus (2 years later I can finally spell that without spell check! I don't know if I'm more proud that I can spell it or sad that I've had to spell it so often :-/ ) who have shunt to monitor the fluid tend to have a little less fluid around their brains, which is ok but it sometimes doesn't send clear enough messages to the skull to grow correctly in proportion with the brain.  So as a result Bean's brain is starting to grow a little bit out of the hole at the base of her skull.  It is making the area a little tight and is causing brain fluid to leak into her spinal column.  If the fluid in her spinal column gets too high it can put pressure on her spine and cause problems with balance, walking and reflexes.

Now this all sounds scary and dangerous but I want to be really clear: Bean is not currently in any danger and I believe that her doctor will not let it get to a point that is dangerous for her.  Normally when a shunt is working correctly the doctor only requires MRIs every 3-5 years, but with these complications the Doctor has scheduled her next MRI 6 months from now.  If the situation has resolved or is unchanged we'll have another MRI 6 months from that and we'll continue like that until the situation is resolved or the doctor feels the need to intervene.  It is completely possible that this problem can resolve itself and we can go back to our "normal" life :-) However if the doctor does need to intervene Bean will have to have a surgery that will give her brain the room it needs to grow.

Now as if that wasn't enough the MRI also revealed a cyst in the middle of Bean's brain.  Again the doctor does NOT believe that this is putting Bean in any danger.  It is a small pocket of fatty material that is benign and not currently dangerous.  As long as this cyst grows in proportion to the growth of Bean's brain the doctor won't consider it dangerous.  If it begins to grow faster the location of the cyst can cause some vision problems.  If this happens we will have to have the cyst removed.

Again this is very scary but here is a hidden gem of kind of good/interesting news: the doctor believes that the cyst formed while Bean was still in utero and is the cause of her hydrocephalus. He believes it is sitting right where the fluid needs to drain and is why she has had the extra fluid and we could never see it before because of all the fluid.  So if it ever needs to come out her hydrocephalus may actually clear up.  It will also be an option if the shunt stops working.  Instead of putting a new shunt in we could consider trying to take the cyst out and see if the hydrocephalus will clear up.

So I know this was really long (props to those who read it all!) and pretty scary, but here are the really important parts:
1.  Bean is not in any danger right now
2.  She has an amazing doctor who knows really knows the brain and will do his very best to protect her and inform us so we can help protect her too.
3.  Bean has a God who is bigger than anything she will ever face.  He has a plan and a purpose for her life whatever comes her way.  He has given her (and us) and amazing network of friends and family who have been supporting us since the day we found the fluid for the first time.  He will never forsake us no matter what comes next.

So are we scared? A little.  But we will never be alone and that is how we will handle this, by simply trusting God with our baby girl's life.

Enough

So last night hubby rented Moms' Night Out. I had seen ads and heard about it on Facebook.  It sounded good and funny.  And it was, but it also made me cry.  Actually "cry" is putting it mildly, it was more like sobbing buckets through about 80% of the movie.  It is so my life right now, the mess, the stress, the exhaustion, the fear that I'm not doing my best, being effective and the ridiculous belief that every other parent in the world has it together (I know, I know, I can already hear the laughter...).

Last time I wrote here I feel wrote about how crazy life here was and since its been so long since I wrote last it obviously hasn't slowed down yet. Bean's party is over, Paul pulled what was left in the garden up a couple of weeks ago and Bean went to Grandma Camp for a week and I was able to catch up on a lot of things.  But then Bean came home (I'm not complaining, I'm happy to see her home- I missed her- but she's just so busy and ... 2 :-) ), I started subbing and we were gone 2 weekends in a row and a deputation service, had 2 doctors appointments,and Bean's check up MRI. During all of this I've been dealing with some health stuff that has made it hard to focus and get anything done but sleep. (Not an announcement :-) )

Thanks to all of this our house is a mess, Bean is out of clean clothes, I'm so behind on so many things, Bean has recently watched a disgusting amount of cartoons and Ellie is starving for any attention.  So often I feel like I've failed. And then we watched Moms' Night Out. And cried and cried. Again- its soooo funny but so true. And then towards the end of the movie this conversation happens:

Allyson:  I can’t get in front of it no matter how much I give, how much I do… I just, I’m not enough.
Bones:  For who?
Allyson:  I don’t know.  Sean, the kids, my mother, … God…
Bones:  For you?  You’re not enough for you.

And it hit me like a ton of bricks- NO one in my house, family or life thinks that I am not enough.  God does not think that I am not enough. I am the only person that ever thinks that about myself. Truth is I am enough.  Here's why:
 Bones:  It’s beautiful to watch one of God’s creations just doing what it was made to do.  Ya’ll spend so much time beating yourselves up.  I doubt the good Lord made a mistake giving your kiddos the mom he did. 

God made me exactly the way I am- He doesn't make mistakes and to think that I have enough power to mess up God's plan is just silly.  God brought Paul into my life, gave us Lizzie and amazing family and friends.  He did all of this with a purpose- my life has purpose. This doesn't mean that I can't work on doing better but it does mean that God's love for me isn't dependent on being perfect.  I am enough just as I am.

I am enough. 

Lately...

So things here have been crazy and I didn't realize until a few days ago how long it had  been since I posted anything. (with the exception of this post that I finished today) So I wanted to share some of what has kept us so busy lately, since I know you're all dying to know...

Bean:

I could simply leave that as the entirety of this post and that would be enough said.  But let's look at why she's keeping us so busy.

• First and most importantly Bean will be 2 in about 2 weeks. Gasp! How did this happen???? I'm not sure but she has gotten a very early start on terrible twos.  Anything at any moment could be "wrong" and deserves a screaming temper tantrum- even things that were previously ok and will be acceptable in the future.  Water instead of milk, milk instead of water, Ellie licked her, even though Ellie does that most of the time. She wants dinner, she wants to go "side", she wants up, no down , no up. And on and on we go. Its exhausting and honestly the whining makes me want to wear ear plugs most days.  Plus she can be kind of naughty sometimes- refusing to do things she is told even when she knows how to do what she is asked.
• Second is the mess.  These are a few pics of the messes made almost everyday (or the messes that are just ignored because we don't have any energy left to clean them after a day full of tantrums)

 One of our favorite toys: Pom Poms

And Legos and Beans

 

 And what our living room looks like today despite being cleaned and vacuumed last night.

• Lately we've also been with out pacifiers and a few weeks ago we took the railing off her crib after she climbed out one night.  So that means we've been getting up as soon as she wakes up because she won't stay in her bed and she won't leave us alone. Or she falls out of bed, despite our best attempts to prevent it, and that's always fun. 
• And then there's the potty.  We bought it in January and have had it around and slowly introducing Lizzie to the concept.  First we sat on in with clothes on, then just a diaper and then no diaper.  Then in the last week we've really been trying to work on the potty training by taking her potty a lot, sitting there FOREVER with her and even trying a few days with undies and a few days without anything on.  The only thing we've gotten from it is lots of puddles, wet underwear and being really sick of the bathroom.  I know she's not even 2 so I'm not worried that she's not even close but it is kind of frustrating when she sits on the potty for almost 20 minutes and then runs to her room and pees on the floor.  This will be a work in progress for sometime I feel but who knows maybe tomorrow she'll wake up and it will click- haha.

Besides Bean I've been gardening, I've got pumpkins, tomatoes, corn and cucumbers growing and even had a watermelon started before a stupid animal took a bite out of it :-(.  Its lots of work but its fun and relaxing and I'm learning a lot, like you really only need to plant 1 or 2 pumpkin seeds :-0

 

 

 I'm also running a playgroup at the church.  So far its only our friend Sara, her kids, her daycare kids and us.  I'm hoping that more people come eventually too but for now its good to get out of the house and the kids enjoy it.  

I've also been working on Bean's second birthday party.  Its gonna be awesome! Hubby thinks I'm funny because I'm doing a lot to make it "really cool" even though he thinks all we need is Bean and some cake and the people who love Bean.  I agree but I still want to throw her an awesome party! So I'm working on a Dog-bone pinata, a bean bag toss, cool decorations and an awesome cake, plus all the food etc.

And... the condo got rented out!! We found a really awesome tenant and he moved in mid-June.  We've had to take care of a few things since (the bedroom air conditioner stopped working sometime this winter and we had no clue!) but I think we're finally through with most of the major repairs and can now just enjoy that the place is rented for the rest of the year.

With the condo getting rented we've had some extra income to start paying off debts and save for a house.  So to help out with that cause I've been working on ways to earn cash at home- surveys etc but have come to the conclusion that if I get a real job (at nights) we'll be able to pay stuff off faster and get our own place sooner.  So after Bean's party (while she's at Grandma camp for a week!!) I'm going to start applying anywhere and everywhere to find a job to bring in some extra monies.  I'm not really excited about it because I really don't want to work retail again but I am excited to pay some stuff off faster.

Last but really most important is the soft launch of the new church.  Its coming up in September so things are starting to gear up for the launch.  Our first deputation service is this weekend and we've found a meeting place.  We're so excited to see what God will bring our church!

And that my friends is why we so busy... this and so many other reasons.  If I wrote about them all this post would be even longer so I just gave you the highlights :-) What have you all been up to?

 

 Yes, we're awesome parents- we video and photograph our baby asleep at the table before putting her to bed!

Goodbye binkies!! 

Pepper Steak and Beach Themed Cupcakes

Recently I made some beach themed cupcakes that I found on Pinterest for playgroup.  There were decently easy but not quite as cute as on Pinterest.  I also made crockpot pepper steak for a second time and it was delicious!!! Here are my thoughts on these 2 pins:

  And  

Beach themed cupcakes

The cupcakes I made with another simple vanilla cupcake recipe.  It really wasn't anything spectacular, not worth the effort to make from scratch instead of a mix... After they cooled I crushed a few graham crackers ( I used my slap chop- LOVE this thing :-) and then poured them into a bowl and then poured blue decorating sugar into a bowl.  You need to crush the graham crackers into really fine crumbs so they look most like sand.  Then I frosted each cupcake and dipped half of it in the graham crackers and then the other half in the blue sugar.  The picture on Pinterest only has sand but I like the idea of water so I added the blue sugar.  Then I cut a piece of gum in half and put a little frosting on the back and stuck it on the "sand" and then did the same with the bears and put them on the "towels".  I also just put some bears standing in the "sand" or "ocean" by frosting their feet and sticking them to the cupcake.  I didn't put umbrellas on because I couldn't find them ANYWHERE (anyone know where to get these??) and I didn't put lifesavers on because I couldn't find a single roll of them and I didn't want a huge package.  I also used sour gummy bears that I found at Walgreens instead of teddy grahams.  I think these 3 things would make these even cuter but as they are, they are decently cute :-) 

Crockpot Pepper Steak

This recipe is relatively easy and for us, cheap.  Now it is made with strips of steak so it can get pricey but we buy beef once a year from family who own a farm (who sadly might not be any more due to high prices of feed :-( ) and while we do pay for it once a year it doesn't get included into our weekly grocery budget because its already there.  So it seems cheaper.  Plus the rest of the ingredients are things we usually have on hand for other things so we pretty much only have to buy the green pepper and occasionally a refill for the other ingredients.  All 3 of us can eat this for dinner with leftovers for hubby to take for lunch so I think its still pretty reasonable, even with the price of streak.  Just think of getting pepper steak at a Chinese resturant for 3 people and it seems more reasonable.  Unlike other crock pot recipes you have to cut the steak into strips, season the strips and brown them before putting them in the crock pot with everything else and cooking them.  So its not a dump and cook crock pot recipe which are my favorites, because I'm lazy sometimes :-) Its still pretty reasonable though and sooo good that its worth the extra work.  The only real tip I have to make this easier is cut the steak when its still partially frozen because it makes it easier to cut.  
We leave out the tomoatoes and onions because I don't like them but I'm sure it would still be good with them ;-)
Here's the recipe:

Ingredients Serves 6

Choose your zip, pick favorite stores

2 lb beef sirloin steak, cut into 2 inch strips

1 garlic powder, to taste

3 tbsp vegetable oil

1 cube beef bouillon

1⁄4 cup hot water

1 tbsp corn starch

1⁄2 cup onion, chopped

2 large green bell pepper, roughly chopped

1 can (14.5 ounce) stewed tomatoes, with liquid

3 tbsp soy sauce

1 tsp white sugar

1 tsp salt

Directions

1. Sprinkle strips of sirloin with garlic powder to taste. In a large skillet over medium heat, heat the vegetable oil and brown the seasoned beef strips. Transfer to a slow cooker.
2. Mix bouillon cube with hot water until dissolved, then mix in cornstarch until dissolved. Pour into the slow cooker with meat. Stir in onion, green peppers, stewed tomatoes, soy sauce, sugar, and salt.
3. Cover and cook on High for 3 to 4 hours or on Low for 6 to 8 hours.

Enjoy! 

Skinny Guilt

I'm scared to write this post.

Scared of what you'll think of me or even what some of you will say about this post.

I tried to write it a few days ago and realized I was too angry and self-righteous about it to write it then and too scared. So I deleted it.

Then a couple of days ago I found and fell in love with a new blog.  The blogger is open and honesty and so funny. I've been scrolling though all her previous blogs and every post she writes strikes a chord with me.  I feel like she got inside my head somehow and wrote exactly what I feel.  Then I stumbled upon this post. I LOVED EVERY WORD.

So in a passive attempt to share how I felt, I shared her post on Facebook and tried to be content with that. But while the blogger really hit home about how I feel about this there is more I want to say/share.

So I confess I have..

Skinny Guilt 

Guilt. The feeling I relate most to being skinny.  And I'm tired of feeling guilty about it.  I have plenty of other guilt that I think it totally justifiable.  Mommy guilt on days I feel like I haven't been the best Mommy.  Guilt about bad money choices and guilt about eating like crap. But skinny guilt is something I'm tired of feeling.

I have been thin for as long as I can remember and I have not ever done anything to manage my weight.

And I'm sorry.  I know that there will be people that will read that sentence and hate me a little (or a lot).  

Some will think I'm lying.

Some will think I secretly have an eating disorder.

Some say I don't eat enough- either in amount or variety.

Some will be jealous.

But its true and I'm sorry.

The truth is it simply comes down to genetics. I eat like crap. 99% of the time. First let me dispel a couple of myths about why I am thin that drive me crazy the most.

1.  I don't eat enough.  Truth is : while I usually skip breakfast and sometimes barely eat lunch, I eat pretty much all day. I'm constantly munching on something. And its usually junk :-(  Telling someone they're so skinny because they never eat enough is as close as you can get to saying they have an eating disorder, and that's hurtful. If you really think someone has a serious eating problem take them out for coffee or something and have a private conversation just to let them know you're concerned about it. Don't point it out while in a group and then laugh it off.

 2. I'm too picky.  I'll be honest I used to be more picky. Then we had Bean and I started to push myself to try more things because that's what I want her to learn to do. I still don't like some foods but most of that has to do with texture issues. (I shudder at the thought of broccoli, strawberries and shrimp). When people say this about someone it paints that person as childish and even if its true its unkind to point out someone else's flaws. Besides, I have never understood how me not liking broccoli makes me so skinny. To me that math simply does not add up.

The truth is I am tired of always feeling guilty for being the way God made me.  I want to be free to vent about not being able to find the perfect pair of jean without an eye roll and a comment like "yeah, must be so hard for you". I want someone to understand that even though I'm thin some days I still don't love my body.  I wish we could all love own bodies enough and love one another enough that we wouldn't tear each other down with hurtful comments about each other's weight. ( and let me be clear here ANY comment about someone else's weight that is anything short of building that person up is a hurtful comment)

And so I'm letting go of this guilt and choosing to be happy the way God made me. I hope you will too.

The Biggest Secret No One Tells You About Having a Baby...

So after my last post I thought I'd write a more serious post cuz I feel like I'm on a roll :-)

In 67 days our "baby" will be 2 and you want to know something?? Most days I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing... Every day is something new that we have to handle and try to figure out.  For example Bean has recently been experiment with not taking a nap (ahh the horror!!). If she doesn't take a nap (ugh) she goes to sleep at 8:30, if she takes a nap (yay!!) she doesn't go to sleep until 10:30- boo.  I want her to have some quiet time everyday but sometimes she falls asleep but then stays awake until 10:30 so what do I do...  This has been the story of our life every since we found out we were pregnant with Lizzie. Weighing the pros and cons of every possible situation, every situation having really good cons and really bad cons :-)  And its not just the immediate pros and cons we have to consider we have to think about how this will affect Bean in the future.  It can be exhausting and it doesn't get any easier AND I'm fully expecting each kid after Bean to be completely different :-) Joy...

Now its not like there's not any advice out there.  In fact you can practically be buried by the amount of advice out there.  And for every issue there is advice for BOTH sides (or all of the sides..).  For every side there is someone who believes that their way is the best way.  As soon as people found out we were pregnant advice started rolling in and hasn't stopped.(I'm not complaining because it definitely has helped).  But despite all the advice here's the piece I either never got or was too delusionally happy to retain or understand: Most of the time you will have NO idea what you are doing or should do :-)

That's basically it. Every day is something new, a new problem and new challenge.  I never thought it would be this hard (or this great).  I had experience with kids, but being a mom is something totally different. And I still love it, even if Bean stops napping or naps and then stays awake until 10:30 and I can't decide which is worse and therefore which to encourage ;-) But by the time we figure it out something new that we don't know what to do with will come up. Yay... But totally worth it :-)

TLC VoxBox from Influenster

So on Saturday I received my first (hopefully first of many to come) VoxBox from Influenster.  For those of you unfamiliar with Influenster it is a site where you write reviews of products and do activities for brands.  In return for your time and effort you have the chance to receive what they call VoxBoxes full of samples of products to try (and when I say samples I actually mean full sized products to try.) which you in turn write more reviews for and do more activities.Here's how it works:

First you must sign up.  I believe you have to be invited by someone who is already a member (just ask! I'd love to send you an invite!) Then you select 5 expert badges to unlock and as many lifestyle badges as you would like.  (Choose your expert badges carefully- you only get 5 and you can't undo it once you've unlocked one.) Then you different activities to raise your impact score.  Each badge has a score and each time you connect a social media platform you get more impact points.  Then you can write reviews for products, stores, services etc that you have tried and rate them.  As you unlock badges, connect your social media and write reviews your impact score will begin to rise.  It can take a while of some serious work to see improvement in your score so be patient and keep working at it.  I joined in November and quit after a few days because I wasn't seeing any movement in my score and it seemed like too much work.  Then I kept seeing these really cool boxes that people were getting and decided to give it another go.  I read up some on blogs about how to raise my score and all I kept seeing was that you needed to be active and patient.  So I committed myself to simply writing 5 reviews a day and just being patient.  I did this for 2 weeks and only saw my score raise a point at first.  Then I logged in one day and my score had jumped 3 points and all my expert badges had gone from 0 to all over 70. Then a month after restarting I received my first VoxBox!! So now I am enjoying this a lot more :-) Basically if you decide to join just be patient and keep working at it! Here's what I got in my first box!!

** I got all of these products free from Influenster for testing purposes***

Here's the box it all came in

The card that came with the box lists all the items in the box, gives a brief description and price.

Included in my box was 

A card for the Shell fuel rewards program.

I'm not so crazy about this program.  It says you can earn money off gas by shopping at certain stores (only one of which is in our town), eating at certain restaurants (none of which I have ever heard of), linking your MasterCard (which I don't have) or referring friends. Plus we live right next to Road Ranger that gives us .05 cents off every times we use their debit card. So.. bust...

Neosporin to Go

This looks handy. Lizzie doesn't get a lot of scrapes yet but I'm sure it coming some day... But its a cool concept.

A package of Puffs to Go

Always handy :-)

A bar of Ivory soap

I'm not their biggest fan, I don't really like their soap and like the brand less because of an ad they put out about this time last year that I found kind of offensive (nothing crude just not nice to people who don't like their soap- check it out on Youtube- the 5th mom).  But there are lots of things to do with a bar of Ivory soap on Pinterest so that's what I'm going to use it for.

Avon Anew-wrinkle concealer

I was kind of excited about this (no, I know I don't have wrinkles yet but I do have some lines on my forehead that I'm not crazy about. Probably from raising my eyebrows too much ;-)) because I thought it would help make them go away.  Instead it only a concealer and it really doesn't work.  It takes so much effort to get it on and if I raise my eyebrows once all the lines reappear.  But this is a great example of why I love Influenster.  This is a 30 dollar product that I got to try for free.  So instead of paying for it and finding out I hate it and then throwing away the rest I got it for free and could try before buying.  That's how this program works.

And saving the best for last!! 

Sorry its kinda blurry :-( 

 This is a coupon for a FREE tub of Bryer's new Gelato!! This is the best part of this box!! Again the same reason I love VoxBoxes.  This tub was 6 bucks (on sale) and is about half the size of a regular carton of 4 dollar ice cream.  I probably wouldn't have ever tried this on my own.  I would have just reached for the cheaper ice cream I know I love!! But this stuff is awesome!!! Plus its made with less fat :-) Only probably now is that I love it and will probably want to buy more in the future ;-)

So there it is, the good, the bad and the middle.  I'm not crazy about everything in the box but I'm grateful for some new cool things to try and hope to get picked for more boxes in the future.

After you receive a box the fun isn't over yet.  In your profile there is a set of activities you can do related to the items in the box.  It includes everything from create Pinterest boards to blogging to tweeting so there's something for pretty much everyone! PLUS they unlock brand badges.  Brand badges are where you can do a set number of listed activities and after you complete them you are entered into a drawing for a prize from the brand and Influenster. For example this box has unlocked the Bryer's badge and the Shell badge.  The prize for the Bryer badge is a year's supply of gelato and a big gift card to Target (you better believe I'm doing my best to win that one ;-) and Shell is offering a 50 dollar gas gift card to 10 people (also nice).  If nothing else you have a bunch of new items to write reviews for!! 

Hope to see you on Influenster!! (I have plenty of invites left ;-))

8 Ways Gestational Diabetes Changed My Life

So after a rough couple of weeks (horrible migraines and feeling foggy because of the combination of headaches and the medicine I took to clear them up) I'm feeling much better and finally clearer :-) So now that I'm feeling better and Bean is still sleeping (she's got some nasty cold :-( ) I figured I would write a post since its been a while.

So last post  I wrote about Bean's story and I briefly mentioned that I developed gestational diabetes.  To be honest I didn't even really know about gestational diabetes.  When I was told about the test I was nervous because I knew that eating a lot of sugar without eating anything else I usually felt buzzy so I was afraid I would fail the test. And I did...  Then I had to take the awful 3 blood draw test, which I was sure was going to make me pass out- it didn't, and failed again.

I was devastated.  Pregnancy was supposed to be the time when I had a reason to eat what I wanted and it can be stressful and I stress eat :-) Thankfully once Lizzie was born the diabetes disappeared. But it was a real eye opener for me.  Here is what I learned about diabetes during those last few months.

8 Ways Gestational Diabetes Changed My Life

1. I realized that diabetes isn't a death sentence. ( Ok, I didn't think it was that bad but close)  I thought pricking your finger multiple times a day would be awful and that all you could eat was boring bland food.  I got better at pricking my finger but it was still awful. As for food I learned that you can eat more than bran muffins and drink water.

2.  I learned that not sweets aren't the only dangerous thing for a diabetic. When the nutritionist showed me a sample list of items and their sugar levels I was surprised that corn and pizza were so high.  I learned that some vegetables are extremely high in sugar and some are neutral.  

3.  I started reading labels.  I know what to look for, sugars and protein, and read items that I don't know the amounts.

4.  I learned to balance my meals/snacks. I learned that I can't eat just sugar or just protein.  I need protein to keep my sugar from spiking too high and sugar to keep it from dipping too low.  I also know which foods are neutral and I don't have to limit my intake of.

5.  I am actually am more careful about the way I eat sugar.  While I'm not still diabetic I think my body still processes sugar worse than other people.  I have to be careful about just eating sugary foods.  I need to balance it out with protein or wait until I've eaten something less sugary.

6.  I'm careful about the amount of sugar I feed Bean.  Bean doesn't have diabetes (as far as I can know) but I don't want her to experience low sugar levels or highs so I'm careful  how I feed her.  I balance out her sugar and protein just like I do to mine. Babies born to mothers with gestational diabetes also have an increased risk to develop diabetes and obesity.  I want her to learn to eat healthy now.

7.  I eat more cheese sticks.  Did you know that cheese is high in protein (but milk is high in sugar- go figure!) They are one of the best snack for me and Bean.  They are quick to eat and really portable and tasty.

8. I'm more at risk to develop gestational diabetes next time we have a baby and at a much higher risk to permanently develop normal diabetes later in life.  This makes me nervous.  Diabetes isn't fun.  I don't want to have it again or permanently.  2 out of 3 moms develop gestational diabetes again with their next pregnancies and over half of moms who have gestational diabetes develop type 2 diabetes within 10 years. This makes my lifestyle choices now more important.  I'm trying to be proactive about preventing diabetes instead of just reactive when it happens.  

So there it is.  How gestational diabetes changed me, for the better.  I'm hoping to avoid it it again in the future but genetics and statistics are not on my side.  But at least it motivates me to try to eat healthier.  Now I want some ice cream... ;-)  

Lizzie's Story

Most of you know that Lizzie's life has not been normal.  Well, normal for us but not easy.  We have been through a diagnosis of Hydrocephalus, a nervous last few months of pregnancy, 2 weeks in the NICU, multiple cranial ultra sounds and visits to the neurologist, life with a monitor, a surgery, post surgery visits and developmental and physical therapy.  Its been a crazy, scary, and amazing 2 years and which has given us a constant reminder of how amazing God is and what He can do.

For most of you this is just a reminder of how faithful God is and for others this is all new, but I just want to share this with you.

This is..

Lizzie's Story.

When we found out we were pregnant with Lizzie we were ecstatic! We hadn't been trying very long so we were happy that we didn't have any trouble or have to wait very long.  After about 12 weeks we told family and friends who were also excited for us and we anxiously awaited our little bundle of joy :-)

For the first 20 weeks it was a normal pregnancy, doctor's appointments once a month, normal testing and really no other symptoms than regular pregnancy stuff. In fact it was a pretty easy pregnancy, no severe nausea, food cravings or aversions and no extreme pain.  The only hiccup was being diagnosed with gestational diabetes.  But after seeing the nutritionist and diabetic counselor and reminding my self it was probably going to go away in a few months it really wasn't so bad.  Then we went in for our 20 week ultrasound and everything changed.

It was normal at first.  The tech measured Lizzie and fluids etc and then asked if we wanted to know the gender.  We said yes and found out we were having our little princess.  When we met with the doctor she told me my amniotic fluid was a little high and they wanted to check me again in a about a week.  Then we went back my fluid had gone back down but there was a problem with Bean's head.  The day is kind of fuzzy so I don't remember if it was the tech who told us or just the doctor. But we were told that there were dark spots on Bean's brain which indicated extra fluid on her brain.  We were told that she might need to be delivered early and via c-section to reduce the pressure on her brain and that she would most likely need a shunt to help her brain maintain the fluid level.  We were referred to a high risk doctor who had more advanced ultra sound equipment and experience. We were stunned and scared.  I was able to hold it together until I got in the car and then, I just lost it.  I couldn't believe what was happening and was terrified about what this meant for our little girl.  We were so blessed at this time to have such an outpouring of love and support and prayers.  I know this is the only way we were able to make it through what we were going through.  I can't imagine going through this without God and the support of all our friends and family and their friends who were praying for us.

So in June we met with the high risk doctor who started our appointment with " Tell me everything you found on the internet about this condition." I couldn't help but laugh and fell just a tiny bit better ( there are some scary things on the internet...)  The ultrasound revealed that Bean's fluid was mild and that she was still growing and developing correctly.  So the doctor informed us that as long as she flipped (haha) she could be born normally and on her own time.  I did however need to see him once a week until she was born. In Park Ridge.  An hour and a half from home. boo..  I also met with Dr. Ruge who would be her neurologist who basically told me the same things.  Funny thing is I never remember asking either doctor how this was caused.  They may have told me but I honestly don't remember. I just remember not asking.  I think I was too afraid that I had done something and knowing that would have been too much to handle at the time.

After that things calmed down.  I went in for stress tests once a week and a couple extra ultrasounds to check her fluid.  At 37 weeks she was measuring 9+ lbs so he decided to schedule her C-section- since she never flipped and we scheduled it for August 8th. On August 8th at a bout 7am we met our little girl for the first time and she was beautiful and big (9lbs 7 oz :-)) Everything went well but she was whisked away to the NICU and I was confined to bedrest for 8 hrs.  After a couple days I was discharged but Bean had to stay. Leaving that hospital without her was one of the hardest things I've ever done but I knew she was in good hands.

The next couple of weeks were a blur of doctors and days spent in the NICU.  At one point she was scheduled for the shunt surgery but right before they started they did one more scan and found her ventricles had gone down in size which meant they were draining fluid better.  So we cancelled the surgery.  We were told she would stay a few more days and then if her next ultra sound was good she could go home.  That was the longest day in the NICU.  Just waiting for them to come do the scan and then waiting for the results.  But finally she was clear! We got a monitor and monitor training and finally left the NICU.

But we weren't out of the woods yet.  We had to go for 3 more cranial ultrasounds and neurologist's visits, one a week later,one 2 weeks after that and the 3rd a month after that.  The first 2 were stable but not really improved.  Then the 3rd saw her ventricles increase in size and that made the neurologist nervous. So we had to schedule a shunt surgery.  Once again I was over whelmed.  I had thought we were going to get through without a surgery, but that was not it God's plan. So once again, I pretty much cried all the way home and spent the week scared.  But once again God gave us reassurance and blessed us with family and friend's support.

The surgery went well and we were in and out in less than 48 hours. Yay! After the surgery we were able to get rid of the monitor. Another yay! We had to go about 3 more times for post surgery visits and ended up in the ER once when the incision leaked (but were cleared a couple days later- without more surgery).  But since then life has felt more normal.  After while we got used to the shunt and less afraid of it being bumped. Bean had physical and development therapy for about 6 months after she was born to ensure that the Hydrocephalus didn't cause any delays but in November she was also cleared from that :-)

In October we went back to the neurologist for Bean's one year post surgery visit and she got an A+.  Now we don't have to go back until October of this year.  We'll do an MRI and a visit to make sure everything is working right.  At this visit I was finally able to ask what causes this disorder and what are chances of this happening again are.  Without judging why I was asking more than a year later the doctor simply answered " the chances of this happening again are the same as lightning striking the same place twice and there is nothing you can do to prevent it or cause it"  Even though I had made peace with our situation, this was so reassuring.

And that's Bean's story, long and complicated and stressful, but also uplifting and full of hope.  Lizzie is a constant reminder to me that God is bigger than anything we face.  Her situation also helped me realize that I need to rely on God more than my own strength.  In this situation there was nothing I could do and that's hard for me. But I have seen in Lizzie, what God can do and I know that it is better than anything I can achieve on my own.  Thank you to everyone who prayed (and continue to pray) for us and our Lizzie.  Your love and support over the last 2 years means more than you could ever know.

Here are a few pictures of Lizzie's journey :-)

The Accidental Stay at Home Mom...

So I have a confession for all of you.


Ready??

I didn't want to be a stay at home mom.  Surprised? Yeah. I'm probably just as surprised at the fact that I actually am a stay at home mom now as you are at the fact that I didn't want to be one.

Now I don't have anything against stay at home moms, in fact I admire them, a lot. For a while I just admired them from afar, thinking "I could never do that" so my admiration grew.  But I want to teach and as much as I knew I would love my kids, I couldn't imagine not teaching.  Plus, to be honest I had seen a lot of tired stay at home moms whose lives seemed to only consist of art projects, nap problems and diapers.  It seemed exhausting and kinda boring. (funny how I was working with 2's at the time we had Lizzie so I don't know what I thought I was avoiding....)

So when we got pregnant with Lizzie, I had a plan.  I was going to have Lizzie, take my maternity leave and then go right back to my teaching career.  And then things changed.

(quick side note, a few months before Lizzie was due, we found out that my daycare center was closing.  The company was really awesome and helped all of us relocate to new centers.  I'm not sure how much this contributed to my decision to stay home but I thought I would explain a little so there's no confusion when reading this next part :-) )

A few weeks into my maternity leave my new director e-mailed me and asked when I would be coming to work for them and what position and hours I wanted to work.  She also asked if I was sure I wanted to come back to work (not because she didn't want me to come but she understood that sometimes after you have a baby your mind can change about coming back to work.) and to be honest, I wasn't. I couldn't believe it...

Now to be fair, Lizzie had a considerable amount of stuff going on at the time (I'll share more later) and it was really hard to think of leaving her.  But I decided to still go back to work but only part time.  I told her and myself that it was because we had AMAZING friends who would watch Lizzie 3 days a week and then I had the other 2 days off.  But I was working 3 10 hour days, closing (so leaving at 6) and driving home to Crystal Lake (and hour to and hour and a half trip).

After a few months I was tired and frustrated and sad.  I wasn't enjoying my job any more because I was both frustrated with the situation and I sub-consciously wanted to be home with my baby girl.  And those 2 things fed off each other until I just couldn't handle it.  So we looked at our finances and found that if we were careful we could afford for me to stay home.  My awesome husband told me it was my choice and whatever I wanted/needed to do we would make work (that's right, he's amazing- be jealous.. just kidding...)

So I put in a month's notice and now my life is completely different and I wouldn't change it for anything. I still want to teach, someday, but now the thought of leaving Lizzie and the thought of not having the same experience with all our kids make me sad.  So for right now my job is being mommy.  The pay is awful and my boss is a hot mess sometimes but it really is the most rewarding job I've ever held.  No matter how many children's lives I have affected or will affect will ever equal the impact I can have on my own children.  They are the ones who need me most and and the children I need the most.

Love Has the Final Move

So once again I've changed my blog title and purpose.  I'll still be sharing projects (successes or fails) but in a different context.  I want to share my thoughts, feelings, and experiences on a more personal level.  I don't think that what I have to say is really that interesting or insightful.  I am by no means an expert on anything, in fact quite the opposite.  But I do have experience with some difficult things and I hope that maybe, just maybe someday something I have to share will touch someone's life.  Maybe it will encourage them, inspire them or just let them know and feel that they aren't alone in dealing with they're going through.  That's my hope.

I've been wanting to do this for a couple of months now but honestly couldn't think of a new title that fit.  Then one day while driving hubby's car the song "Love Has the  Final Move" by Chris Rice came on and I nearly broke down. The song talks about how it was Love that started everything here on Earth and while it seems to be gone for now someday it will come back, just when we think its all over, and win.  And it was exactly what I needed at the moment.  Life seems to be beating on us for now, as it usually does to everyone from time to time,in ways that are both visible and invisible.We find ourselves in a place where the only one who has control of our situation is God, there is honestly nothing else we can do. (Please don't be worried though, we're ok, just frustrated...) I am a doer, knowing that there is nothing I can do frustrates me and puts me in a place of denial.  I don't "Let go and Let God" very well.

And then this song comes on the stereo.  It reminded me that God started all of this and the final move in this whole thing? Its His.  You know that saying "Everything is going to be ok in end, if its not ok, its not the end"? That's what comes to mind when I here this song.  Its not over until Love (Love being God because that to me is the essence of God, but more on that later...) makes the final move and wins.

We have to understand however that winning looks different to God.  Sometimes for Love to win the process might be painful.  It might be in a loved ones passing as love rescues them from the pain they're in but meaning we lose them or your child having a serious condition that requires a surgery so that someday you might be able to lend support to another parent going through the same situation.  No one knows the full measure of God's plans, the only thing I know is that He has the final move, and in the end Love will win.

Enjoy these lyrics :-)

Chris Rice - The Final Move 

Saw an old guy today
Staring long at a chess game
Looked like it was half-played
Then his tear splashed between
The bishop and the king...oh
He turned his face to mine
I saw the Question in his eyes
I shrugged him half a smile and walked away
It made me sad, and it made me think
And now it makes me sing what I believe


It was love that set this fragile planet rolling
Tilting at our perfect twenty-three
Molecules and men infused with holy
Finding our way around the galaxy
And Paradise has up and flown away for now
But hope still breathes and truth is always true
And just when we think it's almost over
Love has the final move
Love has the final move


Heard a young girl sing a song
To her daughter in her pale arms
Walkin' through a rainstorm
"Because you're here my little girl
It's gonna be a better world"...oh
She turned her face to mine
I saw the Answer in her eyes
I shrugged her half a smile and walked away
It made me smile, and it made me think
And now it makes me sing what I believe


It was love that set our fragile planet rolling
Tilting at our perfect twenty-three
Molecules and men infused with holy
Finding our way around the galaxy
And Paradise has up and flown away for now
But hope still breathes and truth is always true
And just when we think it's almost over
Love has the final move
Love has the final move

(Something right went very wrong
But love has been here all along)